It's 2:00 am.
Why am I up you ask.
Mostly watching Julie and Julia on T.V. A movie that I own and can watch at my leisure at anytime I choose. OK, well not any time. I'm sure my children would have an opinion on that. So why bother using sleeping time, something I am immensely fond of if it doesn't occur in the evening hours, to watch something that I could watch at a more appropriate time? Because it started at 11pm and I only planned to watch until 11:30 quite forgetting just how much that movie moves me.
I realize I could have just turned it off and resumed watching it using my DVD tomorrow...er....today, but I caved to the spiritual fulfilling and connection I have with the characters. So much passion. So much time and dedication.
That being said, I didn't necessarily want this post to be about me and my dreams. I just figured I needed to explain why some of you are reading two posts this morning instead of one. And actually, because the election happens today (yay! Vote for Kevin!) I'm sure I will post again this evening.
I wanted this post to be about my kids. I dearly love them and I am not always sure that my behaviors mirror that. That makes me very sad. I know people aren't perfect. I know I have never been a mother to four children these exact ages ever before, but I also know that I am a far better mother than what I have been showing them. For that I am truly sorry.
I've been contemplating this topic for some time now. It's been exacerbated as of late due to the Sistine chapel of painting jobs that seems to be Sanders' room. It has taken a lot of my time. I chose that deliberately so that I would not be completely consumed by the project and be there for my kids when they needed me...not when I was done. For the most part that has worked, but as the days have now turned into weeks I wonder whether it would have been better to be consumed for a few days instead?
Today the two little guys found a way to play with me anyway. They would sneak into the room as I was painting, hiding behind all of the furniture piled in the center, whisper--as only a four and a two year old can--that I hadn't seen them yet and then peek their darling little heads around the dresser waiting for me to turn and catch them in the act of sneaking up on me. At which time they would fall over each other as they scrambled to run away giggling as if their sides would burst. They repeated this little game for over a half hour.
It was such a simple thing but it filled. my. soul. I thought, "Surely I must be doing something right if these delightful people seek my company in anyway they can get it."
I want my kids to feel that loved and special every moment they are around me. Who cares if I'm tired, stressed, disappointed, or whatever. They deserve the best of me every moment. They do.
So, today I choose to make a conscious effort to be the best mom I can be. I won't be perfect. That wouldn't be any fun now would it? (and in reality it's 2:30 am so this will be quite the challenge for me later this morning *wink*) How would they learn that it's alright to be wrong and that it's endearing to sincerely say you're sorry? But I will chose to be my best. I won't leave it up to chance and hope. It will have to be a conscious, minute to minute choice. I'm ready for my shift to focus on how I am making their day go...not how they are making mine.
In other news, Sanders has now started asking, "why?" after everything I tell him. So cute....for now :)