Saying sorry is good

Beckham and I have a rough go of it today. I'm sorry was said in both camps. Sigh. Days like this make me really wonder about my ability to parent these amazing souls. I

I want to document all the wonderful things I know about Beckham.

I love his thirst for knowledge. That kid can't learn information fast enough.

I love his dimples. They only come out if he is really, truly smiling. If you see those you've hit gold.

I love his ability to eat broccoli even though, second to tomatoes, it is the worst tasting food to him.

I love his retention of gospel related things.

I love how he loves his siblings.

I love to hear him play the piano.

I love how quick he is to say he is sorry. And mean it.

I love how he is a good friend.

Of course the list could go on, but it's a good start.

I feel love with you

Today Sanders walked into the living room. I was in the kitchen. He stopped, looked at me, gasped, and then ran and put his little arms around me legs.

Looking up at my face he said, "I feel love with you! I want to marry you!"

"You do? What did I do to earn your love?"

"You snuggle with me."

Tonight he set the table and whispered to me, "I gave you the first fork because you snuggle with me."

Those two little interactions make everything worth it and then some.

The definition

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I'm so grateful Tennyson and I had a wonderful day yesterday because today was exactly the reason Heavenly Father gives you good days so you have a little reserve to pull from. Tennyson is still learning to listen to his body and take the appropriate measures when it tells him to. (Yes, I know this is potentially embarrassing for him and I realize my blog is public AND I also print my blog into a book for my children to read. But guess what, this is my real life and it isn't always pretty and quite often things are embarrassing. I have no wish to scar my children, but I do wish to document what our life was really like. The good, the great, the awful, the embarrassing, the wonderful, the silly, the unhappy, the joyful, all of it. I want it all down where we can remember it and grow from it. )

Anyway, off my soap box now.

Tennyson is working on stuff and today seemed to be one of those days he decided not to work so hard on it. Sigh. He will be in first grade in a few months. It's a concern. Mostly because he really is SUCH a great kid. His giggle is amazing and infectious. He is so independent and gets things done when he sets his mind to it. He has an incredible mind for inventions. He is a wonderful friend. Even when we are super frustrated with each other and I don't like the choices he's made and he doesn't like the consequences he's earned, that I'm enforcing, he still will curl in my arms for a hug if I offer it. I try to offer it when I am most mad so I can remember he is still little and we are both still learning.

But nothing seems to be helping the learning in this area. Day after day, multiple times a day. Night has it's own set of things we deal with, but I'm not worried about that. Sometimes a body just needs to grow more to be able to handle the night. But the day? Yeah, that one should be handled. already.

I really have no idea what to do. It doesn't seem to matter what he is or isn't doing at the time his body tells him it is time to move! It's frustrating and I worry it will affect how he thinks about himself. I want him to focus on the good. Are you kidding? I want to focus on the good, but it's tremendously hard when his behaviors require multiple consequences for the SAME behavior during one day.

Sigh.

I've got to change the way I'm doing things. I'm just not sure what. 

Someday, Tennyson. You can do this!!!! Go Mr. T!

To completely change subjects, my dear friend, Jo'ell, had some complications shortly after delivering a baby yesterday. It was pretty scary stuff most of the day today and I asked the kids to include her in all of their prayers. Later in the day the kids asked me how she was doing.

"Well, she was bleeding a lot and they couldn't get it to stop so they had to do surgery to stop it."

Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, Sanders piped up in the background, "No, no, no. They should have just used a band aid!"

Ah kids. I would never trade this job for anything! No matter what.

Motherhood musings

I was all over the map today with my emotions.

Mother's Day brings the expectation that because our children love us they will be on their best behaviors and exhibit every good thing we have strived and prayed to teach them.

And then, because they love us, they feel safe to show us the parts of themselves that aren't pleasant or pretty because they know, because we have taught them, that no matter what, they will always be loved by us.

And that is a truth that is our eternal motherhood quest to maintain. That they are good even when they make choices contrary to what we have taught. That they are children of God and are therefor so full of light that they have to work hard to dim it. We, their mothers, always see that light and feel frustrated that they sometimes chose to ignore it's potential, it's power. That's  where the impatience can come in.

I bounced back and forth between feeling so disappointed and hurt, because it was my day (yes, a selfish way of thinking---working on it), over children's choices and feeling so grateful and loved that they trusted me enough to show me their challenging sides.

The talks in church were incredible and I found myself reflecting on what I want my children to remember about me as their mother. What my Heavenly Father wants me to teach them. I felt so much gratitude for the women in my ward. Such incredible examples of imperfect women being perfect in motherhood because they continue to try. They continue to seek the Lord's guidance. I feel very blessed to be surrounded by such women.

The rest of the day turned out wonderfully. The kids played nicely, I got a great nap in, Kevin and the kids gave me a new crock pot I'd been wanting, the cards the kids made were hilarious and thoughtful, Kevin was wonderful in making me feel loved, and I got to see my mom and thank her for all she does for us.

I hope today reminded you that motherhood is not a perfect process, but it is a means of reaching perfection.

Happy Mother's Day.

Impulsive memory loss

  Thank you everyone who commented  on yesterday's  post.  Thank you for lending me your strength to lean on until I found my own again.   Today was a billion time better.   So thank you! 

Recently, there have been a few situations where very reliable adults have shared things Tennyson has done. Things that aren't huge deals, but need to be attended to so he can learn from them.

Each time, when I question Tennyson about the events he is honestly, truly shocked and confused by what I am telling him he did.

He really doesn't remember.

I talked with his kindergarten teacher and it seems to get that sometimes he is just so impulsive that he neither thinks about it before hand and afterwards it's like it never happened.
Sadly, some of his behavior comes across as a kid who just doesn't care. And it makes me sad to think of people thinking that about him...not to say he doesn't have some of that in him, but maybe not as much as was thought.

He doesn't have problems concentrating. He is self disciplined with homework and always gets it done right when he gets home with out any reminders from me. But when he gets a thought in his head it is really hard to detail him and have him change course.

I'm still trying to figure out if this is a medical, personality, or stage thing.

Fingers crossed for it being a stage.

On a side note, no wonder trying to alter unwanted behaviors hasn't been working. He doesn't remember doing most of them.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that...

He better grow up to be the amazing person I see inside! We are more than making our payments now.

Motherhood meltdown

We were off all day. The kids were running on a far slower time table than me. Some times I handle this well and change my approach to enable them to hear me more clearly.

Today was not one of those days.

As a result I felt very ignored and disrespected. I shut down and stopped trying.

Exactly what every good mom should do. Please read that with a heavy side dish of sarcasm.

Days like these are compounded by the fact that I know what I should have done but willing chose to be prideful and selfish. You really have to check those two things at the door if you ever want to get decent results with kids. Last time I checked I was the adult. It's up to me to be the example.

Somedays that is a very weighty challenge. One in which I very often fall short of what I've been told is the ideal.

Yes, I have a passion that does not involve my children. I am constantly be reminded that this should not be happening while I still have children at home or this is a clear indicator that I must not really know how important being a mom is. That I am failing.  I feel it.  I internally fight against that rhetoric. I know I am where I am supposed to be. Still...I feel it.

For the record, I understand all too keenly the great privilege and responsibility I have of being a mother. Hence the feelings of supreeme inadequacy. Hence the fight against letting what people tell me is my truth seep into my heart and  keeping what my Heavenly Father has told me is my truth in clear sight.

We are not perfect. At anything really. Other than we are REALLY good at saying," I'm sorry "and "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying."

We are a home full of rambunctious, loud, full of life and joy children who also know how to be disrespectful and mischievous. Not because we as parents have allowed that, or have lost control, or have no clue what we are doing, but because they are their own people and have their own minds. All the unwanted behavior they exhibit is seen by us and we also pray on a daily basis that it will not happen. It doesn't mean that it is eliminated. It means we are not perfect.  It means we are constantly trying.

To top this all off I ate half a bag of potato chips even though I fought my way through eating healthy all day!

What is the deal? ! ? Just do what I know I'm supposed to already.

Passions

I was lucky enough to go shopping at a local boutique with my mom this morning. We stumbled across the perfect Mother's Day gift for Candace.

Garden Labels

 I had to rush them right over to her house because the boutique is near her home and I was afraid she would find them and buy them for herself if I waited until Mother's Day to give them to her :) She grew up on a Farm in Bear River. Her home is beautifully decorate and elegant, but she is the first one to admit that she's never gotten the farm life out of her. We wouldn't ever want her to! She has a great green thumb and grows a huge garden every year. These will be perfect!

Anybody who has spent any amount of time around Sanders in his natural habitat has met his best friend, Froggy Blanket. This beloved bit of fabric goes everywhere we will let him take it. It's rather endearing.

 

 My mom and Candace were able to help cheer the kids on in soccer today. I can't tell you how much I appreciate these women help me raise my children. Candace cheered Tennyson on which meant I finally got to see Karaia play! She did great!

After wards Kevin was taking Beckham to go meet Beckham's favorite radio personalities at a pizza place. (More on that tomorrow). So I took the other three out to dinner. This was the first sit down restaurant experience that I have ever truly enjoyed with my children. They were wonderful!

I also got strike offs for my next line today! While the colors still need adjusting and that feels like a huge mountain to climb. I'm excited to see what kinds of adventures this line brings.

Bumpy Start

Ok, job chart status.

It's going to be really good. Riiiiiight after we get over the learning curve/Mom-has-ridiculously-high-expectations-for-how-her-children-will-behave-even-though-they-are-still-little-and-should-be-given-some-slack factor.

It really went OK. They were just kind of slow about the whole thing, which honestly is to be expected. They are still learning the system and it's the novelty to go to the chart and just stare at it for awhile while the absorbing all it's goodness in. They didn't throw any fits about it, well Sanders did, but it took them longer to do the jobs they always do in the morning. I know it will get faster. Let's just say my goal for a kind voice all week is off to a bumpy start.

Sanders threw a fit when we got to the homework and practice portion. I think mainly because he didn't remember what we had discussed last night and he thought it was going to be beyond his abilities. Once we got started with it he seemed happy to jump right in and get it done.

When he got to level 2 he was SO happy and began to rattle off all the of the privileges he had earned. Karaia and Beckham were happy with him and Tennyson was ticked off because it was time to go to school and he couldn't finish his level 1.

Over all, I think it's going to be really good. Again, it seems it's mostly me that has the biggest learning curve. At least I know it.

Alignment

I successfully spoke kindly all morning, despite the end of Spring Break written all over the children's moods as they prepared for school.

I ran errands WITH the two littles. They were very well behaved and each received candy as a reward.

I emptied my work inbox.

Threw some laundry in the wash.

Made diy taco salad bowls and served dinner at a reasonable time.

We also had FHE (Family Home Evening) even though Kevin was not home AND I think the kids might have actually learned something.

Love it when the stars align.

Lessons

Today I learned, let me clarify, RE-learned, that General Conference makes me grumpy.

I know. That is the exact opposite sentence most moms with blogs will be writing today. I have no doubt that I can learn a lot from them. But this is my reality. I refuse to act as if everything is perfect all the time. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful, wonderful life! It's a wonderful life, but it's not perfect.

As the speakers were talking about the roles of mothers in the home being of utmost importance, which I TOTALLY agree with, I was having a dialog---aka irrational argument---with my whining child over how the entertainment provided to keep boredom at bay was too confusing, mostly because said child opted not to read the instructions. I was pretty huffy about the whole thing.

It's become a pattern for me to be entirely irritated with one or all children during conference for behavior that is very consistent with being a child, but in which I feel that during conference they should be able to restrain so I can actually hear part of a talk. Yes, I know I'm being unrealistic and unfair.  Doesn't mean that emotionally I don't head down that crazy path every six months. Despite my pep talks to myself to do the contrary.

Sigh.

Hours later, as I sit down to type this out, debating on whether or not this will actually be published, I realize that this was actually the first year all of the children stayed in the room. They were relatively quiet. I really had many opportunities to listen, but I was so hyper sensitive to every last thing, prepared to stop any shenanigans before they became distractions, that I found unnecessary things to be grumpy about. Fantastic. So the kids are getting it and this wakadoodle insists on acting like it will always be a challenge.

Awesome.

Still, there is tomorrow. 

Anybody else notice that being a mom is hard some days and you make a ton of mistakes? Kids, I really, REALLY do love you! If I didn't I would have stopped trying years ago.

After the last session ended at 4pm, I told the kids they have two hours to finish their Saturday chores. We were going to Nana's for girl's night, starting at 6pm, during the Priesthood session, but wouldn't be able to go if the chores weren't completed. They weren't challenging chores. Stuff they do every Saturday and 2 hours was more than enough time to get them done.

2 hours came and went. The three boys got their jobs done. Karaia would work for awhile and then jump on the tramp. She decided to use 30 of her minutes putting 10 dishes in the dishwasher, and then played around with the blow dryer while the bathroom sat waiting to be cleaned.  It took me about 20 minutes to make the rounds checking everything off and have the boys make adjustments.

Karaia knew she would be able to go. She is old enough that I felt comfortable leaving her at home. But at 6:30 when I was just walking out the door after checking off all the boy's jobs, she ran up and said, "I'm done! I get to go!"

I had to make a hard decision. We've been having more and more situations with Karaia extending the time it takes to complete something we've asked her to do. The dawdling has begun to interfere with other people getting their jobs done and no amount of rewarding or punishment so far seems to make a difference. I decided she still had to stay home. Even though we left late, we had all been working very hard and finished at the scheduled time. I felt uncomfortable rewarding her slacking just because she happened to finish just before we left.

She was so sad.

I was so sad.

I was a hard mom moment.

Still, I would much rather her learn that I mean what I say right now than for me to have to tell her she can't go to Prom, or something like that, later in her life.

Oh, I hope this one sticks.

I really don't want to have to see that sad face again.

Awesome Stress

Being a mom is awesome. Stressful, but awesome.

Tennyson is working on controlling his temper and so am I am.

It's nice to have a workout buddy, except for when we both fall off the wagon.

Why can't I have a calm, even, never raise my voice temperament?

We will get there.

He is totally worth the fight!

A fight in a peaceful way ;)

Vacuum lines

Most of the basement of our home is what we call the Kid Level. Adults just don't have much of a reason to head down there. The kids kind of like the free reign.

Oh, I go into the children's rooms, but don't often venture to the play room which is on the opposite end of the house. I can avoid seeing it at all if I just stay to the right when I hit the bottom of the stairs.

 Consequently it is nearly always a disaster. Even when I put my foot down and tell them they absolutely MUST clean the playroom, I find they shove whatever toy they begrudgingly have in their hand into whatever container is nearest to them.

Today my mom dug us out. She emptied every. single. box! We then put things where they belonged. She worked for about 3 hours without me (I had some afternoon plans), then we worked for 2 hours together and then I worked another 2 hours alone...on one room. JUST putting things in order.

But the good news is there are vacuum limes!

I forget how much I love those things.

AND it's all been dusted!

Also, my children are blessed with far too many toys and I believe that problem will be fixed next week. Time to purge!

Thank you for all your work mom! I truly would not have gotten it done without you.

Moms that hide

I posted this on Facebook today

"Sometimes, after I've run an errand with the kids in tow, I'll let them run in the house and I'll just sit in the car, by myself, for five minutes."

I got so many comments from mothers who do the same thing. It was kind of nice to know that once in a while  other moms, and dads, need to be by themselves too. For just a second...or five minutes. 

It's not that we don't love being moms. We do! But sometimes it gets to us and we need that reboot. That moment of peace. 

I read my scriptures in that five minutes sometimes...sometimes I read Facebook too ;) Still, when I really, REALLY need to find that second wind I turn to the scriptures about patience, or humility, or family, or endurance. 

Then I put on my happy face and pretend I've just come home from a weekend long getaway and I missed seeing my kids for 3 whole days instead of the 5 minutes we were apart.

It helps.

Things are happier.

Not perfect, mind you, but happier.

Speaking of a happy moment, I was helping Karaia glue her One Direction finger nails, that she got at Eliza's party yesterday, back on and managed to glue my middle and thumb together...with super glue!

Karaia and I laughed so hard! She ran around telling the boys, "Mom's fingers are glued together FOREVER!"

It was like that for a good 45 minutes before Kevin came home and rescued me by gently rolling the glued finger and thumb. I didn't even lose any skin!

Yay for moving fingers!

Reminder

Almost forgot to blog tonight. 

My nephew was over and Tennyson was trying to talk to me. I was texting or checking my calendar or something like that on my phone, responding with uhuhs and mmmms with my back to Tennyson,  when Evan said, "Emilie, Tennyson is trying to talk to you."

This is amazing for a number of reasons. Evan was recently diagnosed with Autism. He usually only speaks to me in a whisper and has only very, very recently spoken to me on his own accord without any prompting from me. And he NEVER has used my name to address me before. The fact that he recognized I was being socially inappropriate and called me on it, is, quite frankly, a miracle in my eyes on so many levels. I was very grateful to recognize it for what it was. As well as to hear the reminder, from a child, that it's important to BE there for my children. Everything else can wait.

Evan also kept me laughing. He ran into the kitchen, skidded to a stop and said, "Uh oh! I need a snack!"

Kids are the best!

Learning about friendship

I just had the best talk with Karaia. She came to me because she was horrified to realized that last year she hadn't treated one of her dear friends very kindly.

I actually was horrified too when she told me, but I was also so proud of her for realizing that it was a mistake all on her own and feeling remorseful about it.

We talked all about friends and which ones of her friends she feels like are the better influences in her life. We talked about the difference in being inspired by a friend to change something about yourself because their lives make your realize you can be an even better verse of you vs feeling ashamed of something about your self because of how a "friend" makes you feel about less then the awesome person you are.

I am so grateful she has discovered these lessons, on her own, at such a young age. Karaia is a wonderful person and I am so excited to watch her grown and turn toward a path that will bring her so much light and happiness.

Tired wisdom

I'm a bit sick, but on the mend. Nothing to really mention or be big enough that I feel justified slacking off, but enough that I don't want to do a lot of things except lay around.

I'm reading the book "I Didn't Plan to be a Witch and Other Surprises of a Joyful Mother" by Linda Eyre. It's been really helpful in my attitude toward my most grow promoting child, Tennyson. The thought that struck my the most today was that instead of being surprised at the chaos that is sometimes created I can choose to wake up and think, "I wonder what great story Tennyson is going to help me tell Kevin later today!"

These qualities that are a bit trying right now are going to be such a blessing to him in his life if we can just get them focused in the right direction!

Crying, hugs, and dinner

At one point today I was crying, well more of a sobbing, because of child's choices that seem to be happening every.single.day and it's very draining.

I thought I was crying fairly discreetly in the corner and had pulled myself together enough to make Sanders lunch. I should never forget how much little eyes and ears notice.

As I was standing by the fridge Sanders ran from the table and gave me the biggest hug and wouldn't let go until it seeped in my heart and forced out a smile.

He said, "I thought I should give you a hug. So I did." What a tender moment.

He told his sibling as they came home, "I thought I should give mom a hug! " He was so excited to share his good deed with his family. It was exactly what I had needed too.

Today was so trying that I didn't even want my mom over to help with laundry. I just wanted to be able to focus on that certain child's actions and really help them and that's hard to do any time, but especially when there are other people around.

Mom, didn't let that stop her from serving. She brought dinner over and it was just what I needed to help the night run smoothly.

I heard part of that child's prayer tonight, "Heavenly Father I really am trying." It was such a relief and a blessing to know they wanted the change as well. We can move forward as a team.

My visiting teachers also came over tonight. I cried about my day with them. Their visit was just perfect timing and they helped me remember I'm not failing because I am trying.

Everyone should have that reminder now and again.

Heavenly Father is so mindful of my little life. Look at how much goodness and love came out of a really hard day.

Nice mom and an About page

I've been doing fairly well on speaking softer and kinder. The trouble is, the kids do not listen to softer and kinder! So, I have started pointing out to them that I am speaking respectfully and peacefully and I expect them to react in the same manner.

Then, after the hundredth, billionth time of trying to be creative and fun and loving and get them to do something while they throw a tantrum or whatever I let them know I am done being nice. I tell them they have chosen to have a mean mom. I try not to be really mean, but I'm sure not as nice as I was! And by mean, I am just referring to the volume of my voice and how many privileges I will take away.

Funny thing is, they are learning. I noticed throughout the day that if I reminded them that they got to choose what kind of mom they interacted with by their choices they will stop and change. Whew! Hopefully, it will become habit for all of us sooner rather than later.

I worked on my website tonight. It's almost done!! Tonight I was writing my About page. I enjoy writing to people who know nothing about me yet. New friends are one of my favorite things.

Just so you know...

...I am not perfect. What? You already knew? Yeah, me too.

That is not necessarily a bad thing. It leaves all sorts of room for improvement and new found awesomeness.

Today was a less than perfect mommy day. Some, most, days are better than others. This was the opposite of better. But only during the witching hour between 5pm and 6pm when at some point Kevin arrives home.

I lost it. Like really lost it on Karaia. Unkind tone, harsher than necessary words. She came to me later and said, "Mom, can I talk to you? I've rehearsed this but I don't want you to get mad."

"Make sure you don't say anything disrespectful/rude and I won't." (yes, I recognized the irony as I said then too)

In a very loving way she said, "You always tell me I can use kinder words and tone instead of just going straight to saying things angry and I feel like you could have used kinder words and tone."

And then she left.

I was left with my thoughts and my heart. What she said was not new to me. I'd been giving myself the same lecture since the words flew out of my mouth. But I was so, so proud of her. The bursting kind of proud. She had been listening.....AND learning. Learning enough to teach.

I was proud of her for loving me enough to teach me. I was proud of her for doing it in a loving way. And I was proud of her for understanding her role in what happened and while I definitely could have delivered my words better she knew the core of the message was true and she owned her part in that.

We both had a good cry and lots of sorrys and I love yous. I am grateful for the hard, real feelings and emotions we share around this home. It makes me excited for our future.

Small success are big to the small ones

• 
  
  My morning was kind of grumpy because of some choices the older kids were making, me being classified as one of the older kids as well.
  
   BUT, amidst all of that I managed to remember that today, the 3 year old got to be Captain at preschool. He's been looking forward to it for a long time. Talking about it on every preschool day since the beginning of October. I even remembered in enough time this morning to help him make sucker ghosts for his treat to share. (Thank goodness I threw myself out of bed at 5:30am this morning to go work out. It's rough, but the extra time I seem to have in the mornings is good stuff.)
  
  When I dropped him off he giggled to his teacher that is was HIS turn to be captain and that he had brought sucker ghosts that he got to help make. Also, that the boots he was wearing because it snowed for the first time this season had a line pattern on the bottom. That's important information right there.
  
   He was so full of joy.
  
  I'm glad I had the presence of mind to think, "If nothing else goes right today, I am going to remember that for him, it was the best. day. ever!"
  
  Not a whole lot got done the rest of the day, but I feel like today mattered. I made it count. I did what was really important. The one single item I am able to cross of the list was worth more points that the rest of the list put together.
  
  To end the night on a high point, Beckham attended his first Pack meeting and earned his Bobcat. I got a Mother's pin for his hard work. Truth be told, the pin belongs to Kevin. They have been rock stars together as far as this scouting thing is concerned. Me? Well, I am just going to make darn sure this pin doesn't get lost!
  
  
  
  
  

  

  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  
  It's lovely to go to bed knowing the day was used well.