it's ok

So, I weighed in today.

It was as I suspected. More than I was two weeks ago.

Here's the break down.

In two short weeks there have been:

4.4 lbs gained
1.25 inches gained around chest
1.5 inches gained around waist
.25 inches gained on hips
 The silver lining? My thighs and arms the same.

Am I frustrated? Oh yes.

6 weeks to get it off, two weeks to put it back on.

It is one of those, "This is so not fair" life moments. It's not like I was going crazy on the eating either. Not totally anyway.

There are a few factors that need to be accounted for.

1. I hurt my back 2 weeks ago. Really hurt it to the point that any movement was duly noted as it would send a shock wave of pain in my lower back and down my leg. This greatly restricted how intense I was able to work out.

2. Hurting my back stressed me out. Emotionally driven eating does not equate to the best, healthiest food choices. But more of the chocolaty, carb laden choices. PLUS stress is a known weight gain inducer.

3. Because I was no longer done eating by 6:30 at night, I found I was staying up later. Not getting enough sleep also causes weight gain.


It's OK. all of those things can be changed. Nothing to get upset about. Yes, I have slipped back a bit, but I conquered this once before I can and will do it again.

On a side note:

I married the BEST man. Because this is my first day back on Burst Cycle, one of the hardest days, a.k.a. the day it becomes reality that you can't have sugar or chocolate, and it also happens to be Family Night, and night in which it is required to contain some form of sugar or chocolate at the end and I was sad about not being able to join in the sugary fun, Kevin decided to join in not having any sugary fun with me.

*tears*

I am one lucky girl.

two steps back

We had a great lesson on being grateful today.

Finding the silver lining.

That sort of thing.

But right now I just feel discouraged and disappointed.

I've gained some of the weight back. In just two short weeks. How much, I won't know for sure until tomorrow. I am going to have GPP weigh and measure me.

I. am. terrified.

I struggled these last two weeks eating like a normal human being. I just love food that much and it is hard to deny myself something I love.

But all that work I did for six weeks! Argh. 

So, I am going back on the diet for four weeks to regain some sense of control over myself. I will however, manipulate when my off days are so I can enjoy family gatherings a bit more fully. So normally the off days come every fourth day. But if I had a family gathering on the third day, I would make the third day my off day and then have FOUR on days instead of three.

I'm not in it to lose more weight than I lost the first round, but I need to know, for myself, that I am in control of my body and actions and not the other way around.

So the silver lining of all of this?

I am grateful I don't have to do this alone. The trainers at Gpp are awesome and will encourage and support me. And my cousin, Chrissy, is always good for a nice dose of realistic expectations.

If this is the worst thing that happens....

Scared you, didn't I?

Sorry.

To say that Beckham likes playing Mario Kart is a gross understatement of the feelings he has toward the game. Often the first words out of his mouth in the morning...or after school...or when Kevin walks in the door...or when he come upstairs from down stairs...or in between bites of his lunch...have some relation to Mario Kart.

It's not like he gets to play much. ONE half hour every week day and an hour on the weekends. That's it. And still he is consumed.

Apparently, it's starting to affect how he views his day.

I just overheard him say as he was playing,

"This is SO not happening to me."

Wow.

But I guess if a bad race on Mario Kart is the worst thing that happens to him today, we can call it a good day.

Skiing

Kevin and Landon took Beckham skiing for the first time today. They took Karaia as well. She hasn't been skiing since she was four.

I know. We. are. slackers.

Beckham was SO excited and had pretty much convinced himself that he would be going Pro after today.

Karaia was nervous because it had been so long since she had been and she wasn't sure how she felt about it now.

The weather up on the slopes was the best. Cold and VERY windy...so I am told. I stayed home with the youngest two.

For the most part they had fun. Mostly.

There were moments when their best selves weren't nessessarily show cased. But as I was talking to them, about finding the silver lining in any challenging situation Beckham said, "What are you talking about? I did great!"

Funny kid.

Since I don't know many more details, other than when they were giving it their all they both did really, really well. I will let the pictures fill in the gaps.

Beckham's hat kept slipping down over his eyes

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU to Landon for taking using his Friday to take our kids skiing!!! They will always remember just how much their Uncle Landon loves them! You are the best!

One of THOSE posts

We're about due, don't you think?

A post of frustration belonging to a young mother. I struggle with these every time.

On the one hand, this is my real life, my real feelings and I hope by documenting my human-ness it will be a help to someone else. Mostly for my children that they can see their mom was not perfect and she was willing to look that face on and try and change it with the help of her Father in heaven. And, and this is the truly important part, that she loved them so, so, SO much but she is just so, so, SO imperfect.

On the other hand I want my children to remember the good times and forget all the time I fell far, far too short of being the person/mother they deserve and bury away all the bad times.

So you see, I struggle.

Oh how I could use more patience today.

Tennyson is 3. Is that enough for everyone out there to understand why I am in need of an extra supply of patience?

Beckham is 6 but truly believes himself to be 18 and has the attitude of an 18 year old. You know where the teenager KNOWS everything and everyone else just needs to play catch up? Sadly, this attitude, while well meaning, he really is just trying to educate everyone in a helpful sort of way, has received the brunt of my frustration. He forgets that they might already know/not care what he is trying to teach them. That is a completely alien concept for someone who ALWAYS wants to know things and therefor assumes that he is providing people with things they do not already know, but probably really want to. To him, he is preforming a service.

Sanders turns 2 next week AND decided to jump/fall from his crib this afternoon because taking a nap was a ridiculous suggestion.

On the flip side they are good kids, they really are. Some days they are more Kid than Good, but for the most part I wouldn't trade them in....maybe just send myself on a little vacation...but not a trade in.

A start

Today I finally did it. I put my art work on paper.

For some reason using my hands instead of a computer program to create a design for fabric felt more personal, more part of me. And it was terrifying. All the scarier to potentially hear, "Not a right fit."

It was time to get over the fear. It was a huge challenge not to be able to switch out the colors with just a click. I felt good to finally being productive on the this adventure. I draw and design nearly all day and all night in my head. Finally, something I don't have to keep thinking about and I can look...with my eyes...not just my mind's eye.

Let's hope later on this year you'll be able to look at it too. :)

Super hero theme song

Seems to me that lately Tennyson must have some Super Hero theme song running in his head at all times.

It really is the only logical explanation for his current actions.

Such as raising one leg and both elbows, pausing.....

.....and then beginning to run to wherever his mission takes him. But that is just the beginning. On route to his mission, he will do somersaults, half cart wheels, jump kicks, and any other manner of Super Hero type movement you can think of.

He sits in the back seat of our van. Today, after he got unbuckled, he waited until Sanders was out of his seat, which is directly in front of Tennyson's, and then he did a head over heals somersault over the top of Sanders' car seat...instead of walking down the isle because that is SO not the way Super Heroes roll.

Bowling

Quick post.

We went bowling today to celebrate my step-brother Jaymes' engagement.

Oh my goodness, but my family appears to LOVE bowling!

Sanders' turn couldn't come soon enough. It was a bit of a challenge to keep him near us when it wasn't his turn because he kept trying to go to other people's lanes and use their bowling balls.

Even after we had finished all of our games, Karaia and Beckham kept practicing so they would be better next time.

At the end of two plus hours of bowling I asked Tennyson if he'd had a fun time to which he replied in a sad sort of way, "Yes, but I wish we'd have bowled for a LOOOONG time."

History repeating

As  a little girl I would get in trouble for laughing/making fun of my little sister, Meghan for her clumsiness. She was always tripping, falling, running into things, i.e. walls, knocking things over even when she was more than 3 feet away from them, etc. At the time, it was hilarious!

She admits that she has never fully out grown this quality and she is reminded of it nearly daily.

It seem it is genetic.

Karaia too can fell things with only a glance. We always know where she is. She is the one accompanied by the sound of things dropping, or crashing, or thudding. Therefore we can be assured that a life of crime as a thief is mostly not something she would be successful at even if it was her career of choice. Hooray for the silver lining.

While this characteristic can be frustrating and cause me to find myself saying, "Just pay a bit more attention to wear your body is." multiple times a day, if America's Funniest Home Videos is to be believed it is also the source of a lot of laughs. Thankfully, Karaia is usually the first one laughing. Because she is just awesome like that.

Today she came out of the bathroom, leaned against the couch and ottoman to watch the boys play the Wii, and in mere seconds had managed to poke her own eye with her own finger. As she explains it, what she was leaning against was not entirely stable....because she has the gift of making things unstable even when they usually are quite stable.

I looked at her, not entirely certain that I had really just seen what I saw and said, "Did you just poke your eye?"

"Yeah", she giggled with a huge grin.

As I laughed with her I offered my condolences, "Well, I'm glad you can still see....not that it would change things much if you couldn't."


"I know" she smiled.


At least she owns it.

That's my kind of girl!

Sometimes you hit gold

That's how I feel about Kevin. He is always so quick to find a way to help me when I get my brain focused on a project. He never complains  that I am yet, again, consumed with some take-over-the-house thing, he just looks at the situation and then figures out the best way to help.

Today he took all four kids to Costco and then later in the day to his mom's so I could be alone with my project. I know being the sole provider for our four little ones can be draining, rewarding yes, but draining none the less. He is a good man.

Always pushing me when I am feeling weak. Always encouraging me to live up to the potential I know I have. Always reassuring me I've done my best because he knows that's who I am.

Sometimes there isn't even a word the can accurately discribe just how good you've got it.

Limited mobility

On Wednesday, as I was kettle bell juggling, I hurt my back. And by hurt my back I mean walk-like-a-95-year-old-try-not-to-bend-at-any-point-during-the-day hurt my back. It's been less than fun.

I've continued to go to the gym, modifying the exercises. However, today, I had to modify/eliminate a LOT of the exercises and by the time I left I was in tears because of the pain and the frustration of not being able to do what I wanted my body to do.

I decided I couldn't just wait for it to heal on it's own. I called my friend. I know him as Boy ( It's a nick-name from when we worked at Pace's Dairy Ann together back during high school). The rest of the world knows him as Dr. Green. Boy is a Chiropractor. We haven't seen each other in 6 years, but through the magic of Facebook we have kept in touch.

I've never been to a chiropractor. It was very calming to have a friend walk me through it. He did a great job. A few of the lower discs shifted. He popped them back in place and I'll go back on Tuesday to see how things are.

It's just nice to have more mobility.

Although, I'm sure my kids will be a bit sad about that though. They've been able to play a lot of Wii because I wasn't able to do much more than sit on the couch and try not to move or cry.

Family prayer

Every night we kneel in a circle for family prayer. What happens during the prayer is always a gamble.

Very rarely, if ever, is it only a prayer.

What typically happens goes something like this:

Tennyson and Sanders begin scootching into the middle of the circle because for some reason it's better in the middle. Then one or the other looks at the other one funny and a hand shoots out to slap the other person's hand only to quickly be retracted and made to look as if that hand had never left it's position of being folded reverently.

At this point, Karaia and Beckham are giggling.

Then once the prayer is over, Hallelujah, and we've had a brief re-briefing on the appropriate behavior during a prayer, we all place our hands in the middle, much like a team who is just about to compete, and say, "Goooooooooooo Dalys!" as we raise our hands in the air. This is especially a favorite tradition of Sanders.

Tonight the two little guys changed up the routine a bit.

As the prayer was being said, Sanders and Tennyson were, once again, jockeying for center position. All of the sudden, without any verbal ques, both boys stuck their hands out, placed them on top of each other, and quietly said, "Goooooooo Dalys!" as they raised their hands and then quickly replaced them in the appropriate arms folded position.

I'll tell you what, at least prayer time is never boring around here.

Before and after

You thought that meant I would be showing you my project didn't you? Well, that's not quite done yet. I really need Saturday to be in the middle of the week some weeks.

Today, for you, I have my After pictures of me. They would have a lot more impact if I also had Before pictures.

Well, these are the best "before" pics I can come up with.  They are all from November or December. You see I am the one that takes the the pictures in our family and therefore there are not many of me. Especially full length ones. But I guess theses are excellent before pictures because most of them are not me at my best...which is what you want in a before picture...you know, frowning, no make-up slouched a bit. Just so the After picture looks that much better.

Anyway.

Before

 Christmas morning. ( I REALLY need a new robe if I am going to let people take my picture in it)

 OK these next ones are really misleading because I am wearing a shirt that, even back then, was 5 sizes too big. I had to tie a knot in the front just so I didn't trip over it.

 But you can see the fullness of my face and my legs. In the after picture I am wearing the same pants as this picture.

Again with the face and the wide belly.

Now on to the After. Are you ready?

------Ok, I have to say one more thing before I show the After pictures. I have only been at this for 6 weeks. I am not the tiniest thing you have ever seen and there is still room for improvement, but it is a big giant step in the right direction for me.

Ok. *deep breath* I think I am ready now. You? Oh, right. You've been ready 5 pictures ago. ;) Can you tell I'm nervous about what you will think?  I am.

Here goes:

After

So that's me. 10 lbs lighter and 8.5 inches smaller.  

Oh, today was a MUCH better day food wise. I am so grateful for the tender mercies in my life.

Sushine and shame

I'll start with the sunshine.

Oh my but it was a gorgeous day! The boys and I spent a good couple of hours outside soaking in the rays and trying some new toys.

 Tennyson got a baseball-T from Grandpa and Grandma Daly and he has been dying to use it. He's still getting the hang of it, but enjoyed every minute practicing as did Sanders.

 Beckham lost his second tooth yesterday! He even pulled it out himself as he will tell anyone with two ears within hearing distance. He LOVES getting older and I love that smile!

So now that I have completed the burst cycle diet I have to find a new way to eat. I thought I had a pretty good handle of how I was going to transition from such a strict diet to one that resembles more of the general population.

How wrong I was. I was completely out of control. I ate more than I have in any single day in the last two months. I just couldn't stop.

I mentally calculated each calorie as I ate it, the shame growing with each bite, but I just couldn't stop. The more shame I felt the more I felt like I wanted to cover it, bury it, not own it and face it. Smothering it with food seemed like a quick solution at the time. How could I be so strong, so disciplined for six weeks? Not a single cheat. Not a single faulter only to completely fail at normal living after one day?

Honestly, I was embarrassed for myself.

Yes, I know I am being hard on myself. But mostly I am documenting my feelings. This is what I feel. Will I feel this always? I will work towards being able to say No. But for now, this is the real deal, folks.

Finally, I made myself take a bath. There is no food in the bathroom and I refuse to eat naked.


The goal now is to find a new normal for me. One that will keep me on the path to success.

That will be just as hard,, if not harder, than the burst cycle diet.

Completed

(Prologue: The thing that is super annoying about this post is that I woke up to finish it and hurry and get it posted on Feb. 14th only to hurry and post it to the WRONG blog....grrr. So, it was posted yesterday, just somewhere else.)

For six weeks I've been highly aware of my body and everything I have put into it. For six week weeks food has taken the roll of fuel more than an extra curricular activity and I have been very picky about only getting the very best out of the fuel I consumed.

Sometimes I felt as though I had sprouted a computer behind my eyes that read and calculated all food items into calories and ounces. I have become very adapt at making a very good guess at the weight and caloric value of all food.

Today was my final weigh in. I had two goals I had set that I had to reach by this date. Lose 10 lbs and shave 2 inches from my hips. I met the hip goal easily, but when I first stepped on the scale at 6:10 this morning, I had lost less than a pound from last week. Which put me a whole pound away from my goal.
Lizz, my trainer, suggested that we take all my other measurements and then weigh me again after the workout.

Sure....I can lose a pound in 20 minutes.

So I worked my guts out.

I stood on the scale again and it had only decreased by .2 lbs.  I was still .8 lbs away from my goal

Sigh.

Lizz suggested that I run to the bathroom and empty my bladder. Perhaps it would make a difference. I did so and then stepped on the scale again. This time the number that showed was only .2 lbs away from my goal or so I thought.

I was SO disappointed. All that hard work. Not a single cheat for 6 weeks. Working out harder than I thought possible for 6 days a week. Completely changing my life style and .2 lbs stood in my way. I said a little prayer explaining just how hard and how dedicated I had been these 6 weeks and how I had done everything in my power to reach my goal.

After the first time I had weighed in that morning, Lizz had taken a piece of paper and written down all my beginning measurements and my final measurements. I decided to look over it before stepping on the scale one more final time.

Miracle of all miracles!!! I had remembered my starting weight as being .2 lower than it actually was!!! Which meant that I was no longer .2 lbs away from my goal but that I had reached it! I had lost exactly 10 lbs!

At the end of six weeks here is the break down.

I lost:

1.75 inches from my chest
3 inches from my waist
2 inches from my hips
1.25 inches from my thighs
.5 inches from my arms

That is 8.5 inches over all and 10 lbs! It was worth every last drop of sweat and every moment of counting calories.

I have been fighting to become healthier for over a year now and the scale refused to move. Finally, the battle is over.

Anything after this is icing on the cake....well, maybe more like a big bowl of veggies...by themselves.....without the cake. No point in undoing all my hard work after all.

Guest Post

Hi, this is Kevin.  This is what happens at the end of a long day when the only thing running through your head is all the food you can't eat.  That's Emilie.

Here's what happened today...

We went to church.  It was a good day at church.  I have to be honest, I usually don't like Sunday School that much, but I kind of like the New Testament.  So far this year my Sunday School attendance has been outstanding.
 

Sacrament meeting was pretty good.  One of the things that made it easier was this:

This never happens.  Our kids pretty much only sleep in actual beds, or sometimes in the car.  We can probably count on one hand the times kids of ours have fallen asleep somewhere other than a bed or the car.

We went to Emilie's dad's for dinner tonight.  It was great.  We were in charge of dessert.  Emilie and I decided to make use of our new crepe pans and took all the fixins for crepes.  Poor Emilie had to stand there and watch.

Which brings me to my last thought.  The final weigh-in is tomorrow morning.  Emilie's pretty worried she's not going to make her goal.  She will.  She hasn't cheated once, and she hasn't missed a single day of workouts (as long as you count running up a giant hill at Bear Lake a bunch of times as a workout).

Don't get used to guest posts.  Most of the stuff that I would write about would bore Thinking Audibly's typical reader.  Stuff like Macroeconomic theory, bank regulation, political theory, soccer, college basketball and how to beat your six year old at Mario Kart Wii (which sometimes proves to be a little bit of a challenge, just ask Beckham).

Good night.

Project....check

We were busy little bees around here today.

Starting off with a 7:15am (on a Saturday mind you) workout. My last work out before my final weigh in on Monday. I. am. SO. nervous!!!

After that, Kev went and helped a friend move, I stayed home and  held down the fort.

Around 10:30 I began to tackle a refinishing project that has been sitting in my living room for over a month. It only cost me $40 and it will cost just about that same number in man hours to get it looking pretty.

Kev headed outside because it was beautiful today. He took the kids with him so I could paint/ prime with no interruptions. The kids, especially Sanders, had the best time riding bikes and chasing balls.

He decided to fix the gap in our garage door. It wasn't level and didn't meet the ground by about 2 1/2 inches on the right side. Allowing wind and rodents the size of squirrels to enter, uninvited, our  garage. YUCK -OLA!

He had to peel back the rubber seal on the bottom and use shims to get it level. Notice the BIG difference in how many shims he used? The shims will get painted black when it's a little warmer.







Around 1 pm he was done and I was still painting and by painting I mean priming.

After lunch he hung up a broom/mop organizer....hip, hip HOORAY! I adore organized things. I really, really do. I am just not organized naturally so it takes me a little while to get there.



Beckham was his little helper all day. He did such a good job all day helping both of us and doing what he was asked without whining one time that around 3:30 he earned being able to play the Wii until he got sick of it or it was dinner time. Yup. He made it until dinner. Easy.

I FINALLY finished priming at about 5:30pm. (that was with very few interruptions--it's a huge project) It really is going to be so lovely, but it's going to take some effort first.



Hopefully, I will be able to show a full reveal the middle of next week.

The floor is swept, the kids are bathed, scriptures are read, the blog is posted and I am ready for a bath and a good book.

Date night

Kev and I went on a date tonight that involved Citris Grill, Zurchers, Scoopoloty, and Walmart.

Terribly romantic, no?

It's a good thing we are best friends and it doesn't matter what we do, we always enjoy ourselves.

THe lesson being that even Walmart can be romantic if you are with the right person.

Undressing a mannequin

Blog titles are really hard to think up sometimes. Especially, if you have committed to think one up every day.

Although the shock value of this title is a plus, it actually does have some relevancy to the content...or at least I hope it does.

I hosted my craft group again tonight. We always have a great time and I am loving getting to know these women in my life even better. Tonight, my sister-in-law, Danica, looked super cute. Everything she was wearing was right up my ally. I asked her where she got her necklace....oh and her cute sweater....well, you might as well go through everything you're wearing because I love it all!

She said she got it from Rue 21, which I recently discovered about 3 months ago and have since been stocking their website, and that her outfit originally was paired with a different layered shirt. She had liked the outfit so much as it was displayed on the mannequin that she went ahead and undressed the mannequin.

I have now found my reward for after I reach my goals. Hurrah! I will go to Rue 21, as I have often, and instead of longingly looking at the outfits on the mannequins I will, in fact, procure the clothes off of said mannequin...assuming I can reach them....and bring them home to live with me.

It's all about finding the right payoff.

Almost done

I am 4 days away from being done with my diet. At least for a little while.

This last week has been as hard as the first.

So close!

I started painting a entertainment center I got from the D.I. over a month ago. Yes, I am ALWAYS that slow with projects.

I'm even slower now that I have little one's that like to "help"

Let's hope that I'm not still painting in four days...but I probably will be.

Every night

Every night I look at what my workout is going to be the next morning. And every night I tell Kev that gpp fitness is trying to kill me and that there is NO way I will possibly survive the tomorrow's work out.

I am not saying that to get sympathy, I am saying that because I really believe it to be true and I feel it a kind thing to warn my husband that there is a high chance that I won't be coming home afterward....because they will have done me in.

I'm surprised each and every time I complete the work out.

That being said, I am terrified of tomorrow. I am supposed to do 100 manimals. No, that is not a typo. Neither the number or the name.

What is a manimal?

You put a 25 lb plate weight (you know the round, flat kind you put on bar bells) on the ground. Then you do the beginnings of a burpee with your hands on the weight. As you come up from the burpee, grab the weight and lift it over your head. Keeping the weight over your head take two walking lunges, then throw the weight on the ground, jump over it, turn to face the way you just came.....and that is ONE!

See, I told you they were trying to kill me.

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Brighter

Things seem brighter and happier today. Perhaps because of the arrival of the sun and warmth it brought with it. It was nice to feel the air be warmer than 25 degrees for a change.

I also feel so encouraged by those who gave me their advice and direction. Thank you. It really was just what I needed.

I feel so blessed to have such amazing, strong women in my life.

My prayers recently have changed in wording. Instead of asking for guidance with helping my children reach their potential I have been asking that I may see them as Heavenly Father sees them. I know He is aware of their weakness, but only sees them as potential strengths not as stumbling blocks that must be dealt with.
 
I am grateful for the light that has brought into my life.

I was very mindful of every hug and kiss I gave today and tried to give extra. It paid off. At one point I told Tennyson I loved him and he grabbed my cheeks with his two adorable hands, pulled my face to his, and gave me a kiss on the lips followed by, "I looooooove you too mom!"

Guess who's going to sleep with a happy heart tonight?

Small blessings

The children were reverent in church today.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you will immediately realize how monumental this is for us.

I was praising them for their good work when Beckham declared, "This is the first time we've EVER been reverent!!!!"

Just about, Buddy. Just about.

Growing up

We heard Beckham screaming in the bathoom.

Kevin rushed in.

Beckham was bleeding from his chin and continued to do so for the next half hour.

Apparently, the two razors sitting on the sink edge were just too much of a temptation. He felt like now, at the ripe age of six, was as good a time as any to grow up and begin shaving.

I am afraid that we may now have to pay him to shave when he actually needs too.

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Longer than you think

Today we headed up to Bear Lake. Last night as I was thinking about everything I needed to do. Last night it didn't seem like that much.

And yet working at full force, starting at 7:30 this morning, we still left a half hour later than I was thinking we would. Nearly eight hours after I started working.

One of these days I am actually going to get us all packed before the day we are scheduled to leave.

It is the only hope we have of ever leaving on time.

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Stream of thought

I seriously have no clue what to write about tonight.

So I guess I just start typing and see what my mind is hiding from me.

The day was relitively normal.

Exercise.

Tell the kids to get in the van for school.

Have the 2 younger ones yell at me for interrupting their morning.

Have the 2 older ones act as if they have never gotten in the van before and need reminders to put one foot in front of the other.

Run the kids to school

Play with Sanders.

pick kids up from school.

Go to Costco to pick up ,my friend's sister's book Gifted (I know! Her first book and it debuted in Costco!!!! I support the big dreamers so I HAD to buy it.)

The day continues pretty much the same.  More pick ups and drop offs. More resistance from the kids.

Something has got to change. I can't handle writing posts like this every.single.night.

It embarrassing and depressing.

Sure, I don't have to write this stuff out, but then the blog would be about hiding what is really going on and I'm sure those who really know me, know that I don't like to hide feelings.

I can't change anyone but me. Which makes the whole situation feel that much weightier. Somehow, what I am doing is helping fuel this unwanted behavior.

Talk about Mommy guilt.

What I DON'T want are comments telling me I am doing great. Thank you if you think that, but I am looking for solutions, not coddling.

What I DO want are examples from your own lives that you have helped foster a dependability and respect in your children.

I don't care if you've never commented before or not. I want change and for that to happen I need to grow and learn.

I have to believe there is something that can change my attitude to help create the family dynamic I dream about.

You have kids......

.....so that you can see who you REALLY are.

Karaia said to me today, "Mom, I'm sorry you are having a bad day."

"Huh? I'm not having a bad day."

"Well you're acting like you are."

Oh.

I guess all the pressure, that yes I put on myself, to obtain certain goals....and new goals....was showing a little too loudly today.

I feel my most creative (and let's be honest, have the most energy) during the middle of the day.

When the kids need food, or water, or heaven forbid, a mother.

The ironic thing about all this, is when I kneel by my bed at night 95% of my prayer focuses on what I can do to improve my mothering. Obviously, I am missing the boat.

I am fully convinced that if I get the priorities in order, i.e. being the Mother I'm meant to be, scripture reading, etc, then the creative side of me will be helped along.

No matter what time of day I finally get some time to myself.

Not what I expected

I asked Tennyson what he did at preschool today. He said excitedly,  "Colored!"

"That's fun. What did you color?"

"Evil people because I wanted to color them evil."

"Why did you want to color them evil?"

"Because I did. I also colored a sun."

Oh.....at least there was a sun and not a black vortex of doom.