Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sushine and shame

I'll start with the sunshine.

Oh my but it was a gorgeous day! The boys and I spent a good couple of hours outside soaking in the rays and trying some new toys.

 Tennyson got a baseball-T from Grandpa and Grandma Daly and he has been dying to use it. He's still getting the hang of it, but enjoyed every minute practicing as did Sanders.

 Beckham lost his second tooth yesterday! He even pulled it out himself as he will tell anyone with two ears within hearing distance. He LOVES getting older and I love that smile!

So now that I have completed the burst cycle diet I have to find a new way to eat. I thought I had a pretty good handle of how I was going to transition from such a strict diet to one that resembles more of the general population.

How wrong I was. I was completely out of control. I ate more than I have in any single day in the last two months. I just couldn't stop.

I mentally calculated each calorie as I ate it, the shame growing with each bite, but I just couldn't stop. The more shame I felt the more I felt like I wanted to cover it, bury it, not own it and face it. Smothering it with food seemed like a quick solution at the time. How could I be so strong, so disciplined for six weeks? Not a single cheat. Not a single faulter only to completely fail at normal living after one day?

Honestly, I was embarrassed for myself.

Yes, I know I am being hard on myself. But mostly I am documenting my feelings. This is what I feel. Will I feel this always? I will work towards being able to say No. But for now, this is the real deal, folks.

Finally, I made myself take a bath. There is no food in the bathroom and I refuse to eat naked.

The goal now is to find a new normal for me. One that will keep me on the path to success.

That will be just as hard,, if not harder, than the burst cycle diet.


Amy said...

You've made it this far em..I know that you'll find something that works for everyday living! Give it a little time to adjust, but when you find what works for you my ears are ready to hear it.
By the way I'm telling you the dark cocoa powder covered almonds are great..maybe that's "everyday type diet" worthy

Chrissy said...

Oh dear, I am sorry that it was such a hard day. It really makes me think of a lot of the threads I've read on myfitnesspal, where people are bemoaning a horrible eating day. Most of the responses are the same. It's one day. Do better tomorrow.

I know you'll find a good, healthy balance. Like you keep saying. You've worked too hard to just let it all go. But don't beat yourself up for a splurge once in a while... and I fully expect you to be telling me all this in three and a half weeks. :) Plus the workout tomorrow looks killer, I'll bet you can work most if not all of it off!

Brianna said...

I have always found that being in a "diet" frame of mind tends to make food choices easier. Basically because there are less choices... diets are pretty black and white. It is the "normal" eating that always gets me too. Just remember today is new, so you can start over... that is always promising. ;)

mae said...

Dieting sucks. Eating well is so hard, expensive and takes so much thought. I am great at excercising but not at eating well. I'm sure you will find what works for you...good luck.