Hopeful

I've been telling people for weeks that, "today is the day" that I would mail my fabric designs to a different manufacturer. Alas, something would come up (read: I would make some lame excuse) and it wouldn't happen.

Also, I haven't been sleeping well and eating a WHOLE lot more. Am I proud. Oh no. Am I honest. Always try to be.

So that's what I've been doing.

Way to make the most of your life, Em. Nice.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow I will swallow my, fear isn't the right word, my anxiety and actually mail my designs. They are in the envelope and almost ready to go.

I am just hoping it isn't an abysmal failure like last time. Just a little shred of positivity that this could actually come true is all I need.

I would love to be able to sleep again at night and to stop ignoring my goals by eating things that do nothing to help me NOT look like I've had four kids.

Someday this will all be a memory, maybe not a fond one, but a life changing one for sure.

30 is the new black

I was surprised to realize how much time had gone by since I posted. Not that there hasn't been plenty to post about, but sometimes I write posts in my head and then forget to download them into the computer. :)

However, I am going to abandon my usual hang up of having to post everything in order and just post about the most recent.

I turned 30 on Dec. 9! THIRTY! The BIG 3 -0!

I have been slightly apprehensive about this birthday for about a year now. Logically, I KNEW 30 wasn't that old, but for some reason, the thought about no longer being a twenty-something twisted up my world a bit.

I finally figured it out the day before my birthday. I vividly remember being 10 and thinking, "Great! Only 11 more years until I get to go on a mission!" So you see I was counting down to my 20's for over a decade. Then I went to college and started learning the lessons I thought I was only going to be able to learn on a mission. When Kevin came home it was very apparent that any mission for me would involve my husband and I could not have been more pleased.

From there, I graduated from college, had 4 babies, bought two homes, a few cars, watched Kev get two degrees and experience most of the "big" defining events of one's life. All in my 20's. I think I was feeling lost. What was I looking toward if I turned 30? That kind of thing.

But, I have come up with a brilliant plan.

I will have one HUGE goal a decade.

Good right?

That way, for me, I will always be growing and learning in a very tangible way. I want this goal to be a real challenge for me. Something that scares me spit-less when I first contemplate going after it. Something that really might need a whole decade to achieve.

This decade's goal I have already shared, but I am moving the deadline.

In my 30's I would like to have a fabric line manufactured.

Instead of a one year time line I now have 10 years to realize this dream/goal.

It makes me excited to be 30 and work toward something I want so much.

For my birthday the kids and Kevin made me breakfast in bed. It was fun to see how into it the kids got.

My best friend Tobi came and spent an hour with me and gave me the cutest card full of 30 reasons why she is happy to be my best friend. It was darling and I will cherish it forever!

My friend, Sabina, took Beckham and Tennyson to her house for a few hours so my mom and I could enjoy an actual conversation while we had lunch, which my mom had picked up from Chilli's.

My visiting teachers Judy and Jo'elle stopped by with yummy treats.

I got phone calls or emails or facebook posts from the people I love.

When Karaia got home from school I was shoveling the driveway. She ran past me saying," I'll be right back mom." I thought she was running to the bathroom before we headed to piano lessons. She came back with the other snow shovel and said, "Why would you want to be working on your birthday? I will shovel for you!"

That right there was one of the best things I received all day!

Latter she also said, "I should have done your hair today."

"Karaia, I did my hair. Can't you tell?"

"Yes, but I was going to do your hair for you for your birthday. It was going to be really pretty."

What a sweetheart.

Kevin took me out to dinner and then kid free shopping ( my favorite kind). I like shopping with Kev, and he hates shopping, so it doesn't happen very often and I am always aware at what a big effort he is making for me. He even acted like he liked it. Thanks!

It was a wonderful day and I felt very loved.

Seems as if 30 isn't so scary after all.

Crossroads

Today at 2:00 I have an appointment.

It has everything to do with this.

I serioiusly thought I would never get to this point. I hoped and dreamed I would, but it seemed too big, to far away. At yet, this afternoon, I will be given my shot. This could ACTUALLY happen.

I can't believe I have been given the chance to actualize a dream. A real life, bonified, nothing short of hard work and divine guidance, dream. And let me tell you, I'm finding I dream big.

The best part of this whole situation is I started with nothing but an idea, a hope, a drive. It's something I wanted in my life and it just.very.well.may.happen!

I have felt very pushed in the right direction and I know Heavenly Father has been very active in all of this. Things have literally fallen into place when I thought I had run into a huge wall. And not just fallen into place, but practically handed to me on a silver platter in a murky fog.

I have decided that after the meeting today I will spill the beans. I won't know for sure whether everthing is a go for another whole month, however, I do feel confident that I have given it my all, 55 pieces all, so success or failure I am ready to share it with everyone with my head held high.

I am thrilled at what I have been able to make from nothing.

I can't wait to share!!!

Ps maybe say a little prayer around 2pm this afternoon.........

Big scary adventure

Have you ever been so passionate about an idea that you can't sleep, you constantly obsess over every possible outcome, you want it to come to life so bad but it feels so daunting and unobtainable, but you've got to try?

Well that's where I am.

Right at the beginning of the most exciting, exhilarating, scare-the-spit-out-of-you, adventures. I have seriously been weepy for the past two days either because I'm thinking about how amazing it will be if I can actually make this work or because I'm terrified that even after my best efforts this dream will remain unrealized.

I'm not ready to spill the beans just yet, not here anyway.....I know mean right? But I really wanted to document how I felt in the beginning. Just. In. Case. It's the failing thing that is holding me back. If I put it out there and then this things fizzles before I even get started I fear it will just add salt to the wound. Be patient. I promise as soon as ANYTHING becomes concrete I will divulge the course of my adventure and bring you along with me for all the ups and downs.

Until then just pray for open doors.

Fitting in

As with most changes, especially life altering ones, we are still shuffling around trying to figure out how we all fit together now.


At three weeks old Sanders seems to be in full newborn swing complete with inability to sleep without being held and 24 hours of straight eating.

For the few moments during the day he is not eating and pleasant he is very endearing. I can't wait for the newborn-ness to wear off a bit so I can start to see more of his true personality that I get a few glimpses of now and then.

Good thing those newborns are pretty cute though.

Fresh air, near death, and new life

I did something today that I have not been able to do since Sunday night.

Breathe fresh air.

I was given the OK to experience such luxury just this afternoon. It really is the little things you long for most when they are unavailable.

To explain why this privilege was taken from me we will have to start at the beginning.

On Sunday night, March 1, around 7:45pm I bent over, as well as a 9 month pregnant lady can bend, to help Tennyson put on his shoes. I suddenly realized that I had either just lost complete control of my bladder or my water had broken.

I've never had my water break on it's own before. It's always had to be broken for me and then 10 minutes later I deliver. At this point I had not had any contractions yet, but we were nervous that when they started we wouldn't have much time before the baby came so we rushed home to pack.

We got to the Hospital 9:05 pm. I was still only 3 cm but they wouldn't let me leave because my water had broken. I still had not had any contractions. We decided we would "walk" the halls to see if it would do the trick.

By walk I mean Olympic speed walk.

I'm sure anyway who saw me was wondering what I was doing in labor and delivery if I could move that fast. We even timed how long it took us to make a loop and then tried to beat our personal best each time around. For the record 3 minutes 38 seconds is the time to beat.

After an hour of that I still had not had a contraction but I was dilated to 4cm. This was taking FOREVER.

We decided to try a warm compress on my chest and a soak in the jacuzzi tub. Two methods known to start contractions. I enjoyed the tub very much but it did nothing to move me closer to my end goal.

By 11pm I had had very few contractions. The ones I did have would last for about 3 intense minutes, but had little effect on my cervix. Plus we figured out he was head down but facing my hip instead of my back causing the contractions to be extra painful.

Now, lets examine my mental state at this point. In all my other pregnancies the longest I had ever been in the hospital before getting to hold my new little one was 3 hours. It was now over two hour and I was only at 6cm. The contractions were more painful than I had ever experienced and it was getting late. I had had enough. This was NOT how my labors were supposed to go and I was very emotional about it.

At 11:30pm I decided it was time for the pitocin and if we were going to use one drug we might as well use them all. I asked for an epidural before they started the pitocin. By the time they pumped me full of fluid enough to receive the epidural and then got around to getting the actual needle stuck into my spine it was 1 am. That's when they started the pit.

The epidural was FANTASTIC! I am now a new fan. They would tell me I was having a big contraction and I would reply,"Huh? I'm having a contraction?" My legs felt like big elephant pillows an overall very weird, but not unpleasant sensation.

After 1 1/2 hours I was still 6cm. So they upped the juice on the pit at 2:20am.

They told me they were going to put my legs in the stirrups for me. I was waiting for them to grab my legs when all of the sudden they were already up there. It surprised me so much all I could think to say was, "Hey! Those are mine!"

At 2:45am they told me to start pushing. I wasn't sure if I was doing it correctly because I couldn't feel. But they assured me I was because his head was already out. Sweet! I didn't even feel it.

At 2:46 am, March 2, one week early, and after only one minute of pushing, our beautiful baby boy entered the world.

Sanders James Daly

7 lbs 11 oz
21 inches

He is wonderful and the kids can't get enough of him


I was shaking for most of the day, but thought it was because of the epidural. But at 1:00pm my temp was 102.9. They thought it was because of too many blankets and the stress of labor. And the nurse told me to take a lap around the floor because that could help. (Secretly I think she had a bet on whether or not I could break the previously set record) They gave me meds for pain and the fever went down. But it kept coming back as well as the shaking.

My blood work from when I first came into Labor and Delivery came back and it revealed that my white blood count was already at 18 even before I had reached the hospital. By Tuesday morning it had reached 27. It was then that they knew something serious was going on and that I was very sick.

The good news is I never felt as sick as I was. I really look at that as a blessing.

They started me on IV antibiotics and ran some more tests.

The Strep A came back positive in my urine and my blood. Two very bad places for it to be positive. They think the strep is what caused my water to break.

I think they were scared there for awhile because it was only after I started to turn the corner they started telling me how good it was that they had caught it as early as they had and that I was extremely lucky.

It makes me want to cuddle all my kids forever. It could all end so fast.

By Wednesday my white blood count was down to 22 (normal is 4 - 10). So I was still very sick.

Thurs. count was down to 10, but I was still getting fevers at night. Plus they were confused as to why the infection wasn't totally gone by then. Step isn't like a staph. It doesn't resist antibiotics. It just dies. They were worried it was hiding somewhere else in my body and they didn't want to send me home to have it continue growing.

Part of the problem was the nursery would no longer let Sanders enter there. They were afraid he could pass whatever I was fighting on to the other babies. So even at the height of my battle for what I now understand to be my life, I had to care for a newborn all night. It was very challenging and I cried a lot the first night because I was not able to get to sleep until 6 am. just because of normal newborn stuff.

I kept thinking, how am I to get better if I can't sleep? It still doesn't make any sense to me, but at the time I could think of no alternative options than to continue caring for my son and doing my best to sleep after his needs were met.

Last night, my dear sister, who is also a nurse, offered to come spend the night with me and take care of Sanders. I can't express enough gratitude to her for listening to the Holy Ghost because just the night before, as I was again contemplating how I was to get better with no sleep and no help from the hospital, I found myself pleading with Heavenly Father to send me an angel. I was thinking literally, send an angel to rock Sanders to sleep, sooth his tears, and postpone his hunger. I didn't have to see them, but I knew Sanders would know they were there.

As always, the Lord always sends better than what you could even think to ask for. Meghan came and spent the night allowing me to take a sleeping pill. I slept from 11pm to 4am! Even through one of my IV treatments. She was definitely heaven sent. There is no question in my mind. I did not have any fevers! And my white blood count was still 10. So the high end of normal but it passes.

I'm still on meds and am closely watching my temp.

I am so grateful to be born in this time with this technology and medication. Otherwise, as fast as the infection spread.......I can't even think what would have happened.

Believe me, that first breath of fresh air was deep. But the hugs for my kids and my husband....

......was even deeper.

Documentation

These next images might shock you. I am giving you fair warning that you need to wait at least 30 minutes after eating to view them

But they must be posted for documentation purposes. Scary as they are.


Here they are folks. My 38 week pregnant pictures. (photographer: Beckham)




Do you now see why I had such fluid/physics issues last week?

It has also come to my recent attention (when I downloaded these pictures ) that with my hair in a ponytail I look very much like a boy. A fat faced boy. Sigh.

Aw well, the rest of me if far from glamorous right now. I suppose it would be quite unfair to the rest of my body for my face and hair to look even half way decent.

Progress

Here's the most recent Dr. update

I did NOT gain one single pound! (Hooray for small miracles)

I am still 1 cm dilated

But I am now 70% effaced.

I'm sure I'll still make it to my due date, but here's to hoping for my fastest labor yet!

One can change many

My aunt Kim died on the 9th.

It wasn't like any dying I'd ever seen. I did not witness her actually passing, but she has been "going" for awhile and was very open, honest, and inspiring about how she chose to go about it.

From my point of view, and it may have been extremely different for her family, it was almost like an ongoing graduation party. Yes, there were bodily fluids coming out of her in uncontrollable fashions, but it didn't seem to stop the over all feeling of excitement to see what her next adventure was to hold. And she tried very hard to have everyone feel that excitement with her.

I hope that is how I can be when it's my turn.

If you feel like a little inspiration of the make-you-want-to-live-your-life-better variety I suggest you head

Here, Here, Here, & Here

You will be glad you did.

Kim, I love you and am so grateful to have had you in my life. Oh! I'm still waiting for you to have this little boy of mine come visit me and tell me his name ;)

The beginning of the end has begun

I had an appointment yesterday. Here's the low down.

#1. I now weigh more than I ever, ever have in my whole life....it's kind of weirding me out and it's only going to get worse as the weeks go on.

#2. The baby has not entered the pelvic bone yet (not too worried about that---Tennyson never did until I started pushing)

#3. I am 1cm dilated and 50% effaced!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST. NEWS. EVER.

I know, I know. I doesn't mean anything. I will still probably go over due. Although I have never started to dilate this early. ANYWAY. But just the fact that things have started towards the end is thrilling beyond measure.

We have confirmation that I will not be pregnant forever! WAHOO!

Now I just have to:

~finish painting Tennyson's big boy dresser
~finish the baby quilt
~buy a car seat ('cause it's illegal to bring a baby home with out one..it's the little things)
~organize the two youngest boy's closets
~wash baby clothes (although I did just wash them and get them put away---so maybe....)
~finish painting the kitchen/dinning room

Whew. I'm tired just typing that list. But it can be done. And if it can't I guess I'll just be busy after the baby is born too. Although I'm thinking I should move buying the car seat up to a higher priority.

Let's just hope I get a super nesting boost for the next two weeks.

Think big

I had another ultra sound today. It's always so exciting to get a sneak peak at the newest member of the family. He was yawing and sticking out his tongue. Darling. He looks a lot like Karaia did as a newborn.

Anyway, there were some questions if there was a blockage in his urinary tract (nope all clear), hence the ultra sound.

He is measuring at 5lbs 6oz already.

Now here's some math for those of you who crave it but don't get enough of it in your daily lives.

At this point, the baby is said to gain an average of a 1/2 lb a week.

I have 6 weeks left.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

We are looking at another 8 pounder.

I still remember delivering Beckham. I wish I didn't.

That epi is looking nicer and nicer with each passing day. ( I know, mom. You are thrilled to hear that)

Two hours to go....

In two hours we find out the gender of this child!

*Note~ That sentence is to be said out loud with much jumping and boarder line yelling

It is widely known that in my perfect world I would have 2 girls and 2 boys. Seeing that I already have 2 boys you can deduce the gender I am hoping for.

However, I am mostly excited to find out who our little family is going to contain for the rest of our lives. Boy or girl they are welcomed, wanted, and loved beyond measure already.

Here's how the vote breaks up

Kevin says: Boy. Because you are destined to be out numbered by boys due to the fact that you had no brothers. Nice right?

Karaia says: I hope it's a girl, but I won't cry if it's a boy.

Beckham says: One boy and one girl

Tennyson says: Well Beckham says that Tennyson says: It's a girl

I say: I think it's a boy, but would be pleasantly surprised if it's a girl. Then my world can be even. Although last night I had a dream that they found 3 babies during the ultra sound and they were all boys. I think the Big Man upstairs is trying to send me a message.

Final count

Boy: 3
Girl: 2

It's too close to call. Tune in later in the day to find out the exciting results.

Umm......does anyone have a working clock? Mine seems to have stopped and occasionally gone backwards. AGHHHHHHHHHHH will 1:30 never get here?!?!?!?!?!