3 months

Mr Sanders turned 3 months yesterday!

It really has flown by so fast.

Look at how long he is!

He is a very serious baby. Which makes his giggles and smiles even more of a treasure. He is very sweet and often coos at me telling the best stories you have ever heard. For the most part he is pretty calm unless he is hungry, which unfortunately, due to the lack of enough milk production, is more often than not.

Nursing has been a struggle from the get go. I've never produced enough milk to nurse for an entire year as I've hoped for, but I usually have a pretty good supply for the first few months. This has not been the case with Sanders.

A few things have helped a bit.

I have stopped worrying about the last twenty pounds. Apparently my body needs that extra weight to make even the smallest amount of milk. So I will just be Fatty McFatterson this summer and I am good with that.

I have started drinking Mothers Milk two to three times a day. Its an herbal tea created from fennel, aniseed, coriander, fenugreek, and blessed thistle. All herbs associated with milk production.

I have offered up countless personal prayers on the subject and received priesthood blessings.

And yet it is never enough.

When I pump I only get 1 1/2 oz most of the time.

Often feedings end in tears; either mine or his.

Why continue?

I ask myself this question every feeding. It is SO hard. I want him to be full. I don't like having to distract him and trick him into being done. I hate it. It would be so much easier to feed him formula and he would be fine and healthy. I know, the other three ended up on formula as well and they are wonderful.

I guess it comes down to wanting to make sure I tried my very best and did all that I could. And he is sleeping 8 hour stretches at night so I know he is getting enough to survive, but maybe just barely.

I don't really want opinions on this subject. I know. Everyone is aching to give me advice on what I should do. I'm sure the answer must seem so obvious. Thank you for your love, but its a decision I have to make and its not up for debate or advice or whispers about it when I'm not around. I really struggled with even posting about it. But I decided it has been such a huge portion of his whole life that it needed to be documented.

At his two month appointment he was in the 14th percentile in weight. My smallest baby yet. I will give it one more month. If at his next appointment the percentile is less than that I will run up the white flag and be proud of the effort despite mourning the outcome.