Wednesday, June 3, 2009

3 months

Mr Sanders turned 3 months yesterday!

It really has flown by so fast.

Look at how long he is!

He is a very serious baby. Which makes his giggles and smiles even more of a treasure. He is very sweet and often coos at me telling the best stories you have ever heard. For the most part he is pretty calm unless he is hungry, which unfortunately, due to the lack of enough milk production, is more often than not.

Nursing has been a struggle from the get go. I've never produced enough milk to nurse for an entire year as I've hoped for, but I usually have a pretty good supply for the first few months. This has not been the case with Sanders.

A few things have helped a bit.

I have stopped worrying about the last twenty pounds. Apparently my body needs that extra weight to make even the smallest amount of milk. So I will just be Fatty McFatterson this summer and I am good with that.

I have started drinking Mothers Milk two to three times a day. Its an herbal tea created from fennel, aniseed, coriander, fenugreek, and blessed thistle. All herbs associated with milk production.

I have offered up countless personal prayers on the subject and received priesthood blessings.

And yet it is never enough.

When I pump I only get 1 1/2 oz most of the time.

Often feedings end in tears; either mine or his.

Why continue?

I ask myself this question every feeding. It is SO hard. I want him to be full. I don't like having to distract him and trick him into being done. I hate it. It would be so much easier to feed him formula and he would be fine and healthy. I know, the other three ended up on formula as well and they are wonderful.

I guess it comes down to wanting to make sure I tried my very best and did all that I could. And he is sleeping 8 hour stretches at night so I know he is getting enough to survive, but maybe just barely.

I don't really want opinions on this subject. I know. Everyone is aching to give me advice on what I should do. I'm sure the answer must seem so obvious. Thank you for your love, but its a decision I have to make and its not up for debate or advice or whispers about it when I'm not around. I really struggled with even posting about it. But I decided it has been such a huge portion of his whole life that it needed to be documented.

At his two month appointment he was in the 14th percentile in weight. My smallest baby yet. I will give it one more month. If at his next appointment the percentile is less than that I will run up the white flag and be proud of the effort despite mourning the outcome.


Tobi said...

You go girl! Having experienced the mixed emotions of wanting to nurse longer and wanting to make sure my baby had enough to eat (and feeling guilty about how much I wanted the freedom of bottle feeding), I hear you.

You are totally supported in whatever you decide!

Brianna said...

I'm sure this decision is even harder condsidering this is more than likely your last baby... no opinion or judgement here, just some sympathizing. I'm sure we can all use a little more of that.

Megs said...

I love love love that second picture of Sanders! So precious! I am sorry that nursing has been such a difficult thing for you. As you are well aware...I understand. Hugs coming your way from across the net.

AmyPoll said...

I completely understand the know my story...just know that whatever you decide, I am behind you are an AMAZING mom...don't ever forget that!!!

Chrissy said...

A great big cyber-hug from me. You are a great mom and your kids are lucky ducks to have you! I'm sorry it has been such a rough time for you. I believe that there is no one right way to do things and whatever you choose will be right for yourself and Sanders. I think you are amazing for being willing to try so hard for so long!

Chrissy said...
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Kade and Katie said...

em, you are an amazing mom! what is "right" will be what you decide, feel and know is "right" and nothing else will matter. it was so great to be with you guys and celebrate saunders. what a beautiful family you have!

Elena Loo said...

Seriously - way to fight for it and hold to your guns! I'm sorry it's been a struggle. I wanted to nurse longer as well. I know it's hard - thanks for being a good example for me and being strong through it. I hope as well that all works out for the best.

April said...

Sorry for the bad genes I passed on to you. I nearly starved Annie to death wanting to nurse so badly.I couldn't be more proud of you.

Emilie said...

Thank you, Everyone.

Ashley said...

Big Hugs Emilie! You're a great mama!!! I know all too well what you're going through. If you want to talk, PLEASE let me know! Sanders is so stinkin cute!!!!