That being said, I also know that there is a time and a place for everything.
That and I am a crier. I cry at the drop of a hat. If anything Spiritual in nature is involved you can bet that Emilie is going to need a tissue.
Because of those facts I often find myself withholding certain experiences simply because nobody would be able to understand me through my sobs.
That's right, it's not a pretty cry.
Not that I am afraid to share, but it's almost too much effort.
Today, in church, we had a lesson on prayers. I've had many sacred experiences with prayers and found myself reliving a few key ones in my mind. All of the sudden my experience after Sanders was born popped into my head.
The second that happened my whole body became warm and my arms began to tingle. I fail to recall a previous time that I have so fully recognized the Holy Ghost's presence. It was SO sudden and complete. Completly unexpected with such force.
The internal dialog began,
"If I share that, I'll cry!"
The heat increased.
"OK. But I'm going to cry and people are probably going to say..there she goes, crying again."
"Alright. But I warned you."
With that I raised my hand. Of course when called on, I found I could no longer talk as the tears were already flowing. I tried to regain composure. Finally, amidst the tears, I was able to share my experience.........
I was so sick after giving birth to Sanders. Part of the problem was the nursery would no longer let Sanders enter there. They were afraid he could pass whatever I was fighting on to the other babies. So even at the height of my battle for what I now understand to be my life, I had to care for a newborn all night. It was very challenging and I cried a lot the first night because I was not able to get to sleep until 6 am. just because of normal newborn stuff.
I kept thinking, how am I to get better if I can't sleep? It still doesn't make any sense to me, but at the time I could think of no alternative options than to continue caring for my son and doing my best to sleep after his needs were met.
Last night, my dear sister, who is also a nurse, offered to come spend the night with me and take care of Sanders. I can't express enough gratitude to her for listening to the Holy Ghost because just the night before, as I was again contemplating how I was to get better with no sleep and no help from the hospital, I found myself pleading with Heavenly Father to send me an angel. I was thinking, literally, send an angel to rock Sanders to sleep, sooth his tears, and postpone his hunger. I didn't have to see them, but I knew Sanders would know they were there.
As always, the Lord always sends better than what you could even think to ask for. Meghan came and spent the night allowing me to take a sleeping pill. I slept from 11pm to 4am! Even through one of my IV treatments. She was definitely heaven sent. There is no question in my mind.
I cried through the whole thing.....and then continued on with my tearfest for a few minutes after. It really is embarrassing. I just wish I could convey, with elegance, my feelings with out the water works.
I still don't know who that message was for. Perhaps I never will.
Either way, I am grateful for the "shove" from the Spirit today. It is one I will treasure.