Monday, March 17, 2008

Perfection

It's not that I HAVE to be perfect. I'm just fine with not having a strict schedule and of course there is always something that I should be cleaning. But what I don't like is getting to the end of the day and feeling as if I've failed my children. Feeling that I missed out on something great with them. Something that is only available to me while they are still young.

Maybe I wasn't as patient or kind as I should have been. Maybe I was in a mood and just bugged that I couldn't have a thought of my own without a little voice trying to join in. Instead of delighting in the sound that I know is only going to be around for so long. Maybe I put off playing with them to fold laundry, do dishes, sweep the floor, clean the bathroom (well, that one has yet to happen, but you get what I'm saying). Maybe I got to the end of the day and realized I unintentionally did not read them one single story. Whatever my excuse it still ends the same. Regret.

They play so well together, mostly. They have the whole downstairs, affectionately referred to as The Children's Wing, to themselves. Some days I only see them for meal times. It just means that I need to make the effort to go and join them. But some days, when they are playing so nicely together and only surface for food, I get lost in all the earthly chores or enjoy the "me time" a bit too much.

Kevin's Aunt posted this on her blog and it really struck me. Especially, "Preach all the time, and if necessary, use words." I wonder what my children are "hearing" from me. At night I can always see very clearly how I should have directed my attentions and priorities. But in the moment I forget.

Some days I can only hope my heart is heard louder than my actions and that my actions will soon merge with the desires of my heart.

5 comments:

Denise said...

Emilie,
You are one of the next generation that I have such admiration for!!!
Don't be so hard on yourself, you have great children, and they don't need you every minute of the day. If they did, I would say that then you were missing the point! It is good for them to be independant, interact with each other, and still have the confidence of knowing that you are just out of sight in the wings!

Katie said...

are you kidding me!! if they are playing good together, heavens no! don't go and break it up! scrub the toilet, do the laundry, read a book, paint your nails...they are having a good time and i PROMISE you will know when it's time to join them, whether invited or to rescue! okay, so maybe i tell myself this to feel better about my mothering moments. i feel like my kids need me plenty during the day! even if it is JUST for food, that's a good hour by the time the orders are taken, food consumed and clean up done! and with our little liv, we eat around the clock it seems! just make the most of your meal times! you are a wonderful mom em! i am far from giving tips or advice but i'm learning to not kill myself trying to do it all (did i just say that) your kids love you...and i do too!

BJ said...

Em, Thank you for your post. You don't know how many times I have felt like that. I thought I was just being a bad mom and there wasn't anyone else like that. I know that you are a wonderful mother. Thank you for helping me know that I am not the only one out there. That my tears at night are not in vain.

April said...

I think you are an exceptional mother. Perhaps it is because your desire IS to be all you can, do better each day and have frequent introspection. Perhaps if you felt like there is no room for improvement there would be more of a problem. I couldn't be happier as your mother watching how you mother your children. You DO need time for you to fill your cup. If your cup is empty you will have nothing to give to anyone else. This is a very phycically(sp) demanding time of your life. It will get easier and you will find that the most important things are the things that get done, which is to love your children. Don't let guilt and regret take away from the lasting joy you can get every day from little snippets of time. One day, sooner than you can imagine. You will be watching your children be happy, successful, contributing adutlts and parents and your buttons will be busting with joy and peace because you will know you did the very best you could!

Bianca said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It was so good to read and helped me to realize all the things I could be doing!!