I'm sure there have been a million things to post about lately. Like when Kevin got up at 4 AM, on a Saturday, so he could be to the temple at 5 AM to do Baptisms for the dead with the priests. Only he didn't need to get up that early because they had canceled it, but he forgot to check the messages until 3 pm Saturday afternoon. Yeah, that would have been a good one to post about. I'm still laughing.
Although, here I sit feeling anxious and discontent and non-directional. I wonder why I get this way sometimes. It usually comes after an unfulfilled day of being a mother because of the choices I made or my children. Or after checking my internal check list realizing I failed to be able to check one single thing off. Yet today was a pretty good day.
I feel this need to be more than I am. More perfect in parenting (if such a thing exists..not that I'm perfect, that is fairly obvious, but that such a thing as a perfect parent exists). More loving. More childlike. More patient. More stop-and-smell-the-roses. More creative in budget decorating. More directional. More frugal. More creative. More not-hiding-my-talent-under-a-bushel. More goal oriented. More outgoing. More caring. More spiritual. More consistent. More organized. More inspiring. More.....just more me.
Do you ever feel as if you are meant to be more than you are?
I often feel this way.
But I struggle to find the route that will let that "more" come out. It's not that I am unhappy. I am in fact very happy with my life, but cannot seem to shake that I should/am supposed to be more than I am. Not my life, me.
It's as if I keep getting a tap on the shoulder and someone says, "Hey. Remember you said you were going to do this when you got down here?" But I can't for the life of me "remember" what the "this" is. I know I have a specific goal to do here on Earth, it feels silly, foolish, and braggart-y to say it out loud. But I do. That's what this feeling boils down to. It's something I've known since my early teenage years. I just assumed I would know what it is I am supposed to do by now. Or at least have it narrowed down for goodness sake.
But I don't and so this feeling of un-achieved more-ness (it's late) comes with increasing frequency. This desire to be who I was intended to be becomes stronger and never quite fades to the back of my mind.
Occasionally it masks itself as a desire to go back to school and major in different areas; Deaf interpreter, interior designer, getting a PhD in something.......but that never quite fills the void.
Who knows. It's late and that's a dangerous time for me to be thinking.....no distractions and only my mind and all it's wandering ways for company.