Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ramblings

I'm sure there have been a million things to post about lately. Like when Kevin got up at 4 AM, on a Saturday, so he could be to the temple at 5 AM to do Baptisms for the dead with the priests. Only he didn't need to get up that early because they had canceled it, but he forgot to check the messages until 3 pm Saturday afternoon. Yeah, that would have been a good one to post about. I'm still laughing.

Although, here I sit feeling anxious and discontent and non-directional. I wonder why I get this way sometimes. It usually comes after an unfulfilled day of being a mother because of the choices I made or my children. Or after checking my internal check list realizing I failed to be able to check one single thing off. Yet today was a pretty good day.

I feel this need to be more than I am. More perfect in parenting (if such a thing exists..not that I'm perfect, that is fairly obvious, but that such a thing as a perfect parent exists). More loving. More childlike. More patient. More stop-and-smell-the-roses. More creative in budget decorating. More directional. More frugal. More creative. More not-hiding-my-talent-under-a-bushel. More goal oriented. More outgoing. More caring. More spiritual. More consistent. More organized. More inspiring. More.....just more me.

Do you ever feel as if you are meant to be more than you are?

I often feel this way.

Often.

But I struggle to find the route that will let that "more" come out. It's not that I am unhappy. I am in fact very happy with my life, but cannot seem to shake that I should/am supposed to be more than I am. Not my life, me.

It's as if I keep getting a tap on the shoulder and someone says, "Hey. Remember you said you were going to do this when you got down here?" But I can't for the life of me "remember" what the "this" is. I know I have a specific goal to do here on Earth, it feels silly, foolish, and braggart-y to say it out loud. But I do. That's what this feeling boils down to. It's something I've known since my early teenage years. I just assumed I would know what it is I am supposed to do by now. Or at least have it narrowed down for goodness sake.

But I don't and so this feeling of un-achieved more-ness (it's late) comes with increasing frequency. This desire to be who I was intended to be becomes stronger and never quite fades to the back of my mind.

Occasionally it masks itself as a desire to go back to school and major in different areas; Deaf interpreter, interior designer, getting a PhD in something.......but that never quite fills the void.

Who knows. It's late and that's a dangerous time for me to be thinking.....no distractions and only my mind and all it's wandering ways for company.

5 comments:

Danica said...

nobody ever said you had to be a perfect mom, just a "good enough" mom. I think you are far and above a just good enough mom. Your kids are wonderful.

April said...

maybe you are raising a future prophet or mother of a prophet... you are doing... and the "more" comes out as your children become happy productive righteous adults who then do an be more... just a thought.

Brianna said...

That's ironic you feel that way because I'm always trying to be more like you...

Emilie said...

Thanks!

I don't always think it's a bad thing to feel like you need to do more. It's a good checks and balance system to keep you heading in the direction you should.

Thanks to everyone who reminded, and continue to remind me, that I just need to keep trying and things will work out!

Loves to all!!

xLZ said...

I have always felt there was something important I was supposed to be doing with my life, and although I have done quite a bit so far, I still feel that way. I still can't decide what do when I grow up. A couple months ago I was considering taking up glass blowing. I've often thought I was in a different profession in a previous life or perhaps right now in an alternate dimension.

I guess all we have are the choices we've made and the choices we've yet to make. If we can make an underlying decision to be the best person we can be, the only other very important thing in my opinion is to follow your heart.

At the end of my current lifetime, I might have regrets about things I never did, but I won't have many about those I chose to do.

By the way, thank you for your supportive comments at my blog.

Love,

Lara